MENTAL ILLNESS

Today I am thinking about mental illness, mainly my own inner instabilities. When I look at my instabilities it revolves around anger and through my anger the reactionary words come out that cause injury or actions that are injurious to others causing them to feel hurt; when I drill down into the root of what may be bringing this on, ultimately it is because the world is not going as I desire it to be I am attached to an expectation of an outcome. I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, however; I have spent a great deal of time exploring the concept of mental illness, particularly. In the early 1990’s I worked with a Jungian therapist near Buffalo NY for a period of time exploring the various parts of my life and the meanings behind the actions. Then when I was experiencing difficulties in my marriage my former partner and I went to counseling; oh so painful. The counselor however was someone I really admire and respect even though she didn’t fix anything. I view mental illness as the struggle to accept life, a struggle to make sense of what is happening around me. Perhaps it could be an imbalance chemically within my brain or things happen to cause an upset and I react based on some inner programming of survival passed down in my genes. Another contributor to this condition is the programming I received when I was young through the words and actions of the influential people around me, re-enforcement of my worth or lack there of is continually reinforced with the bad behaviors of the people who are supposed to be all loving, those same people I expected to give me a safe place to expand my boundaries of life. Well what if that doesn’t happen? I have heard the strongest survive, this is proven true in nature, we see it all the time, think of dominant species. When I was small I could not be myself, for I was wild at 4 years old, running and playing and wanting to have fun, after all my little brain was only 4! I think my parents expected me to behave or had an expectation of a behavior mold that I did not fit, so they attempted to re-shape the mold through behavior modification training. This involved several beatings that were quite unpleasant; after which affirmations were given such that I was told “tell me the truth, if you just tell the truth, your punishment will be less severe” now this may not be word for word but the gist is that the truth, the god damn truth was the problem, for I had not a clue what the truth was at four years old? Thus I began to doubt myself, I thought I told the truth and got a terrible beating, what would happen if I told a lie? This type of conditioning is what “Alice Miller” (she wrote several books on abuse) the “Pedagogy of Child Rearing” passed down for hundreds of years was the thought that one must break the will of the child in order for the “willful child” to be controlled. What this translates to in adult life turns into alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addictions, food addictions, making choices based on our addiction because it is what makes us feel good, then we spend the rest of our lives trying to overcome the trauma of childhood. People judge me and I judge myself, I compare myself to others and all I get is displeasure. This was all a result of childhood programming, thats what I call it, whatever your label I can tell you this, it is all a terrible and tragic circle that was very difficult to extract myself from, for that was my safe place. My Journey was a large an arduous journey, one where I opened doors and took the steps to move through these doors. The first door was the US Navy, next came re-hab, next came AA, this was the path that brought me to the point where I really grew; listening to Marianne Williamson and studied The Course In Miracles, continual spiritual study and in the end I found could learn to organize my thoughts onto and into reality based thinking; more had been revealed, not living in the future, not living in the past and not living in fear.

What is reality based thinking? It is thought that is focused and concentrated (Dharana) and then moves into concentration (Dhyana) seeking the truth, the naked truth and nothing but the truth. Who knew how important the “knowledge of truth” would become in my life. How do I know what is true and what is false? First of all it is reality based and passes the test of “reasonableness” which is grounded in the now. For example loneliness has been present in my life, in the past and as a result I felt bad or perhaps I lost a relationship and was suffering, as a result of those feelings I discovered my loneliness and depression were one in the same and a result of negative thinking. When I explored loneliness I found it is nothing more than being alone and in my own skin, what was so wrong with that? If I can’t stand myself how can I be alone? I had to learn to see me, and cultivate love of self, I had to retrain my mind to accept loneliness. I did it like this, by loving myself, telling myself that “At this moment everything is as it should be” using words that lift my spirit rather than tear it down. I also practice taking a moral inventory and work to make amends for my wrongs; which, are usually a result of a misperception grounded in fear and jealousy from the root of comparison. Very evil and terrible emotional human traits. After doing the work to heal my misperceptions and forgive those who need forgiveness I do the WORK (Byron Katie) and try to live the 8 limbed path. Through meditation on what I want to have happen in my life, taking actions to put into motion the energy needed to effect change, I come into alignment for what I want to have happen in my life, being ready right NOW for it to happen; this is 100% Baptiste Yoga Philosophy. Whenever I am not at ease it is because I am not in alignment with how I want to live; this is the feedback and comes from the “Law of Attraction”. Continually making the shifts necessary to be happy, ultimately the secret to happiness is helping others find happiness for as long as we can! Finding love of life from a really an amazing community of people connected around the world. I have found there is a lot of support out there, people who want to help because it helps them, this scaffolding will help me reach and access higher level thought forms that are not reinforced with trauma, instead these higher level thought forms are reinforced with self Love, by being uncomfortable long enough to look at what is making me uncomfortable . It took a long time to get there it is not an easy path, it involves not giving up and following your instincts, reaching out to the ones you love and letting them know you love them. This is a very powerful act that will ground you, be grateful for the life you live and the breath you take.

I am sharing this so that you know there is hope to retrain your mind, there are many people out there, people who may be suffering today. If you are suffering or know someone who is suffering reach out and let someone know, let me know, call and ask for help. Together we can overcome the mental challenges that takes us out and causes our suffering, it is work and it is free. (917) 209-3715